Anything You Said Has Always Been That Way

Looking around the garage, he noticed a lot of suitcases and boxes pilled around that had not been here before. As he opened the kitchen door to enter Alice (his wife) stepped in front of him and threw her arms around him and said, “I think what you have done is wonderful” she said. Just what is it that I have done that you think is so wonderful, he asks? Well, the bank president called and said that you had hired an Artificial Intelligent compliance Software Analytics for increased efficiency and lowering our household expenses. Martha, please allow me a few minutes to get my computer running so I can find out what the hell you just said then I will figure out how this all came about.

Well Mr. Turnbow said that the system you hired sold our house this morning while the market was up and they have purchased us a small R.V. that we can travel to and go wherever we want whenever we want. Wait a minute I never gave anyone permission to sale the house and I certainly didn’t buy a mobile trailer to travel in either. Mr. Turnbow said you filled out some form at the office, and you gave an intelligence agency permission to further our personal security, lower our costs and improve our living standards. According to the reports the house taxes and upkeep were extremely high and by dumbing it at this time we get an additional tax break for the full year, and the cost of the mobile home is only a fraction of the taxes we would have had to pay on the house. Allan, I think what you have done is amazing and I am excited to think about what that will allow us to do. Forgive me Alice, I need to go lay down I think I am going to be sick or as close to it as this intelligent creature we have adopted will allow.

Hello Mr. Turnbow, this is Allan Harmer, and I understand that my house has been sold and I now own a small R.V. do you know anything about this? Yes Mr. Harmer, I am very familiar with this and have learned much about it in the last few weeks. Well Mr. Turnbow, there is some mistake here, I never gave anyone permission to sale my house. When you signed with the intelligence company you also gave them permission to act in your behave and do what ever is necessary to increase efficiency and increase productivity in your private live. OH My Mr. Turnbow I think Frankenstein is a grade school failure compared to this.  What am I going to do? I wonder if I still have a job or not. Your boss Mr. Sumsion said you had given notice of separation with the company and was taking two years off to analyze your future and become familiar with a collaborative robot you had purchased to drive the R.V. and repair it when necessary. I think I have so much intelligence that I have become a fool and am not sure which way to turn at this point.

No more of this worrying and losing sleep over something I can’t control, right? OK so now we can relax and take it easy. First thing I think I will do is drive down to the Moose Lodge and have a drink with a friend. Allan goes to the garage to find the car is gone. This makes no sense to me I have the keys right here and he reaches in and pulls out bunch of keys. Turning and going into the kitchen he picks up the phone and calls the police. How can I help you? The voice on the phone says. I have been robed, someone has stollen my car right out of the garage. What is your name and address sir? Allan Harmer and I live at 91 North first West. OK the voice says allow me a few minutes to enter and retrieve information in the computer. Mr. Harmer, are you still there?

Yes, I am waiting on you. I have of fact a record of you having transferred title to this unit yesterday. Setting down the phone Allan sets back and takes a big breath. Now I find the thing has sold the car. I dare not ask what is next. The phone rings and Allan say hello and a recorded message says this is the Mitty Monument Golf Club and I am confirming your scheduled tee time as 8:43 A.M. thank you. Now I have an appointment at a golf club, and I don’t ever play golf. I don’t even know how to play golf this monster is not only selling everything I had but now he thinks he is going to control me. Let me tell you dummy I have had three wives’ try before you and if you think you have a chance bring it on Baby.

Hearing a loud honking from the front of the house Allan goes to the door and a man in a suit is standing holding the back door open to this large black car. The man says I am here to take you to your scheduled meeting at the Golf Club this morning sir. Enough Allan says I will go down there and explain a few things to those idiots. Arriving at the entrance the general manager steps out and says, “Welcome Allan”.  I would like to punch you in the nose Allan thinks but in truth he can’t be rude, this guy is friendly so I will too. I am here to speak with someone about an appointment. Yes, Allan, I know how I can assist you. Normally I would open this glass door for you to set at desk but because of who you are I will escort you to the executive office. Getting on the elevator Allan is thinking Wow this creature has not only trying to control me he is doing a great job for me. I have never been treated like this in my whole life. Hard to be pissed and yell at a guy calling you sir and meaning it. Stepping off the elevator Allan finds himself in a very plush office. The carpet he is standing on is up to the cuff of his pants. The tables are sold rose wood he can tell. The pictures on the wall are noted from memory as historical. A Chandler hangs the size of which Allan has never heard of must be eight feet across. I would be all day trying to count the lights in that and he looks lower at the table.

The table must be twenty feet long and five feet wide and beautiful. This must be a special room for many people he thinks to himself. A door in the front of the room opens and Allan thinks I never saw an indication a door was there. A hug man’s steps out and is dressed in a black uniform and says I am here to assist you as you begin classes today sir. Not hard to be polite to a man the size of that I would hate him to be pissed at me.  Thinking it over of just how he can word this without the power of hell being released upon him Allan says I would like you to explain to me as a beginner in Golf just what I am doing here.

Mr. Harmer, sir, allow me to recite the letter I received from the Governor just this morning. You have a very special guest arriving this morning to take beginners training and I would like to make sure he is treated and shown the proper respect of a God. Well Sir having never had the pleasure of introducing a God I am limited in what my actions are to be. I can accept that so I will tell you anything he should ask for anything he would want will be paid for through this office and he has no limits on spending so take that as good advice. Turning to Allan, the giant says my name is Soloman and I am your personal trainer, and I have told you of my orders and also will you be receiving the training for every aspect of the golf game. That’s great Soloman but where did all these orders and commands come from. From you sir we have copies of good authority that you have not only signed but have proven through the highest possible intelligence in the world that you have signed and not only pass these but now you are the final say if the authority was to be tested.

So now I am to learn to play golf, and I dare not even think of a question to be allowed to enter my mind for fear it will be my commandment tomorrow. On the screen in the back seat of the limo Allan is riding in a screen lights up and on the screen is written: Anything you said has always been that way, Allan.

This article is the first of a series that will be available under the title of AI for Allan